Repost from my FB account. One year today. 🙂
Still embattled, but happier. Happier not because people are better. But because I am 😉 Praise the Lord.
“When I was younger, I was overweight. And over dinner, I remember, upon seeing me and my sister, someone remarked: “You must be stealing her food.” And he laughed. I remember it till now, because since then, it was hard to eat without feeling that someone might be judging me.
When I was class president back in fifth grade, everyone was waiting for me to make a mistake. When I mistakenly said that the Statue of Liberty was in Paris, the blunder became gossip. Much to the amusement of those girls who were out to get me back then.
When I was editor in the Tagalog publication in school, I knew I was appointed because the original bet did not run for the position. And it was awful, because no one really cared about submitting on time. Like I did.
When I was group leader in Taiwan tour, one of my group mates told me in my face, “Hindi naman kasi talaga kami nakikinig sa ‘yo.” And there was no need to state the obvious. Because it just was.
I’ve heard things I never would have wanted to hear. Worse, I’ve been treated the way I never would have wanted to be treated. Like everyone, I want to be liked. I want to be appreciated. But for some reason, I guess for me, it will take so much just to be seen and not just looked at. And though it hurt, I knew it all along. And to go on living while dealing with those things again and again…is such harsh shaping. It’s scarring. It’s wounding. It makes me bleed. It’s a tempting offer to disbelieve.
The words don’t encompass my life, and they won’t ever be enough to describe the depth from where all my spiels come from. Haha. But what they can do…and what they have done…is remind me that the world is not my oyster. That no matter how hard I try, this world does not work the way I would have wanted it to.
And no matter how broken or weary I am, I am not exempted from all the cruelty anyone has to offer. Maybe I just have a fairly large share of it. And I admit it’s not all that easy to say I’m blessed when I’m faced with all the crap. And yes, they get even worse most of the time.
But the same way the words would never encompass my life, the cruelty of everything that was, is and will be, would never eclipse the love of God. It’s hard to say, really, without getting a sense that I’m just trying to get myself to be optimistic. But it just is true, admittedly. Sometimes I could not even begin to think of how I muster enough courage to be writing this. Or to be claiming that I’m blessed and loved.
It’s a tough life, really. But it’s a big love. And it’s a great God. And dismayed as I am to look at every little ounce of positivity as “a silver lining at the very least”, I may as well take it anyway. After all, the key words are “at the very least”. In the midst of such crappy instances, there are still good words. There are still good people. Still good actions that bring comfort. “At the very least” describes what I have now: the smallest amount of everything that can be good.
I’m not a sage all my life. I’ve been depressed. I’ve thought of giving up. And maybe in the coming days, I’ll get back to them again. But embattled as I am, God has not allowed me to become embittered. He enabled me to choose to be who I want to be. I’m not equipped with the circumstances. I may not be surrounded by people who will lift me higher. But regardless, they won’t determine what my decision will lead me to become.
Difficult as they may be, somehow in someway, I get through. And it’s just Him, really. It’s not always easy to praise the Lord. But while I have the heart, I will. And if I lost it, I’ll find it. After all, He’s in there. He draws me right back in, whether or not I like it. Haha.
This is a weird piece to write, really. Because I think I could be fooling myself, but I believe…or rather I want to believe, that He isn’t. And He never would. I’m not there yet. But I’m on my way.😇”
Update: I still am.