Hello, it’s me. I was wondering if after all these months You’d like to speak…To go over everything. Charot.
Hello there, God. I know You’ve been waiting to hear from me for a very long time, and I only obliged today. 2016 was the year of my biggest and longest tampo to You, and to onlookers, it would seem weird because everything went very well. My job, my blog, my health…everything seemed perfect, and I knew I was blessed.
Many don’t understand that it hurts to be Yours, and I mostly spent this year questioning if You’re on my side at all.I loved talking to You, but I don’t like hoping and expecting and falling into disappointment over and over again. So I stopped. But now, why am I at it again?
Because at the bottom of all these feelings, hurt, doubt, and months-long tampo, I’m very sure that You love me, and that I’ll choose You above anything, anyway.
Try as I may, I can never deny that You’re up there, taking charge. Years of teaching me to tune in to that soft, still voice of Yours paid of, and prayer can’t be unlearned. It’s mostly, but not entirely, conditioning. It’s a conscious effort and a deliberate choice that I regret making sometimes. I can’t drown Your voice out, no matter how noisy the rest of the world is, and it’s annoying. You’re God. Free as I am, You’ll always win. And when I do win, but not according to how You would’ve wanted it, I lost without me knowing.
Because You are Love, whether or not I love the kind of Love that You are.When people say “God’s love”, I don’t think of me sitting on fluffy clouds with a warm hand on my shoulder. I think of being embraced by a fierce lion. Your love is the tough kind, the one that pushes continuous growth, and being wounded is part of it. Otherwise, how will You heal? If I were a glass vessel, how will You fill me up if I’m not hollow? And if I’m hollow and enclosed, how will You enter if You don’t break me?
I’m tired of growing and being broken by You, though. So it’s ideal to shut you off, which I did. But then I realize I’m at fault.
I admit You’ve lost the central seat in my life during these times. Losing track of You was easier, because if I had to stay with You, I’d have to talk myself into appreciating this and seeing this as growth and learning. And I just don’t want to anymore.
You’re God, but I wasn’t sure You were the loving kind. You surrounded me with people who claim to be Yours, and they imposed so much on me, expected too much from me, and hurt me a lot. And despite my prayers, You allowed everything to happen.
Maybe, it’s actually because of how I prayed, that You allowed them to happen. I didn’t want to listen anymore. I’d rather rat out on You. It’s same old, same old, anyway. I won’t learn anything new from You anymore because You made a cruel cycle out of my life. Turns out, people were at fault. Circumstances were at fault. I was at fault. Everything was louder than Your voice, and they finally drowned You out. I’m sorry.
In spite of myself, You keep calling me back. And through people I did not expect to. My best friend’s mom invited me to church, and, somehow, people just seem to want to talk to me about You. I get “God bless” and smiles from strangers I helped. When I went to my first blogger invite, You also came up in a conversation. Heck, I have a rosary hanging on my desktop monitor at work, so how can I not remember You?
Those moments…and so many others. My blog. My job. My family. My friends. My first trip to Kapitolyo. Brands who shared my work. My very first invite. And how, through it all, I manage to pray, and You choose to show me You listen. Though I often don’t get it. 😛
Bottom line is, I choose to come back. You embrace me. Because You love me, in the craziest and most puzzling ways, and not the other way around. You brought me this far, thus far…Because You can. And in spite of me, I will.
Every year, we have this talk. One thing I won’t get tired of realizing is that You’re God, and You got me. I lost a lot of faith this year. But I guess that’s the point: I lose it. Let go of it, so I won’t credit myself for it. So that when I find myself back again, there’s only You to look to.
I’ll be at this, again and again. This is what makes our relationship unique and intimate; just between us. With You being You, however, it will always be beyond us.
Hello there, God. It’s 2017. Please bear with me a little more, and let’s have more conversations. Sorry. Thank You. Amen.