Image from pettaya123.com
Valentine’s day? It’s a time for me to deactivate my Facebook or unfollow couples (or both) on social media.
I’m okay with being single. Not quite happy, but I’m fine with it. What I hate is how it feels when Valentine’s comes along. It’s lonely as fuck! It just feels *meh* when you’ve already gotten used to just coming second or third to others. Of course, someone else would always be first to them. Their SO’s. Best friend. Sick kid. Gym routine. Yeah, whatever. Point is, I’ve obsessed, hoped and even chased for a Valentine and a love that I don’t have to come in second to, but I haven’t gotten it. Maybe I never will.
Me at 2:19pm: typing outside, dying inside.
Overflowing with frustration and tempted to start pitying myself, I took a brain break. If I had it my way, I’d go out to eat, grab a bottle of beer for a full on walwal session. Stare at the sky and say, today, I’m just one of the many wondering why it’s still not me. And I’m one of the many wondering why I’m still hoping it will eventually be me. I’ll take sips of Sanmig Light, buy spicy pulutan to match, drink the night away and eat my heart out. Maybe, in the drunken haze, sing Coldplay’s Fix You.
Before I lose my train of thought, I, a frustrated, Valentine-hating, bitter person, decided to stalk myself a little more before finally hitting the deactivate button.
Scroll, scroll, scroll…And there it is: last week’s status message. Throwback screenshot from a chat I had with the very first non-hugoat subject of my blog, or at least, the man behind it:
It’s an advice I got from the owner of N.Cat, which I’ve featured more than a couple of times in Paisley Purpose. Name’s Darrell, and I’m still embarrassed about the joke I said to him almost two years ago.
He has read one of the most heartfelt entries I’ve ever written, which opened the conversation that brought about that advice. It’s simple, but it calls for some pondering, which I did.
Moving towards what I want. Yes, I’ve been doing that…Only, I can’t seem to get there. The acceptance of people, a very particular kind of love, that one this day reminds me that I don’t have; that is exactly what I want.
Acceptance. The only course of action I can take at this point. For years, I’ve worked, yearned, and hoped for it. And for years, it didn’t come to me. I’m not getting any younger; perhaps, the years, the tears, the frustration…And this Valentine’s season, is life’s way of telling me to accept that this aloneness is the only possibility open to me right now, and maybe, for as long as I live. Being a wordsmith, I thought, when I first read that reply, that the wording was a bit off. Maybe ‘conquer’ could have been better than ‘accept’. But it makes perfect sense now. I need to accept more than conquer.
See, Valentine’s is the time when friends, loved ones, and mushy publications would assume they’re comforting single people like me by saying love will come to us, eventually. Then again, it won’t necessarily turn out that way, and I think it’s just as important to emphasize that staying single for years on end, and perhaps, even for good, is a possibility.
And personally, I think it’s one that I should accept. All my life I’ve made the effort to get people to love me the way I want, not just romantically, to no avail. It’s like trying out all the possible means of getting to a destination and always falling short of really arriving, and it’s tiring. The notion that my love will come one day is getting old, and far from being comforting. After all these years it’s become a source of disappointment, and an unrealistic destination for somebody like me who’s constantly been treated as a stopover and a second choice.
And unsurprisingly or surprisingly, it’s by being alone that I find the assurance that if this were to be how it always will be with others, I will make it through. I will not let myself stay miserable because of it, and I will always make things better for me, in spite of myself.
While aloneness isn’t exactly something you strive for, accepting yourself wholly, no matter what your circumstances may be, certainly is. And if aloneness were to be my direction for the long-term, I will still be happier alone by myself than alone with others who pretend to be there.
I’m tired of being alone, and most days, I find myself crying about it. But I cried more in the company of those who constantly took me for granted, and if aloneness is what will allow me to avoid them, then that’s the state I’d rather be in.
I have loved, and I turned whatever little I got in return into something greater than I’ve ever dreamed of. I used to say that I believe in love because I see it happen to others. Actually, I believe in love because I love. It can be so tragic to think that maybe some people aren’t born to be loved as much as they love, but I don’t live in a fair world, and it can be more true than the idea of loving and being loved in return. What can I do? I’ll walwal, let it sink in, and just accept it the way I always did these past 23 years.
Oh it can be so sad. Then again, it can’t be so bad. It’s easy to get by living in a way that you’re so used to. It’s easy to accept aloneness as a possibility because it’s my reality all along.
Tbh, I’ve given me more reasons to be happy than other people have. I mean, I don’t hate them, but I deserve the kind of love that only I can give, more than they do. And it’s about time I accept that maybe I’m the only source of the love I’ve always hoped to have, though many can become recipients along the way. Again, it’s sad to the walwal levels, but it’s possible. And as much as I hate to admit it, it’s acceptable and livable.
Fast forward 20 years and I’ll be the same age as Bridget Jones. By then I could possibly be living out the aloneness I initially couldn’t accept. And maybe, I’ve already accepted it and even began to love it. Or perhaps, I could be doing the opposite.
Whatever it’ll be like, one thing’s for sure. I’ll rock it. I’ll make it okay, with a little help from booze and food. And maybe another misworded advice. Certainly, a lot of walwal.
It’s Valentine’s day. My brain break is over. The screenshot is saved and on its way to my blog. I deactivated my Facebook account, only to have it back on a bit later. After all, social media is great for blog traffic. It’s Valentine’s day and I’m just one of the thousands spending the day feeling alone. I may or may not have more of the same in the future, but, at least, now I’ve extended my acceptance to another possibility: that of aloneness, and to another kind of love: that of self.
Happy Valentine’s Day to those who feel like they could be alone forever. You may start accepting it now, though you don’t have to close your doors. If you can’t just yet, you can use some advice…And vice.
Tara, walwal. Lol.