Obviously I’m having some difficulties blogging the way I used to, and my monthly releases have gone down from 5 to 3 *sniffles*. Come June, and I realize I’ve only published ONE. ONE, which makes this only my second for the month.
But I do believe that this is all for good. While I wasn’t writing, I’m living out the stuff that I enjoy writing about. I guess that’s a positive development; when you value the moments in your life, capturing them becomes secondary to immersing in them. If you’ve been following Paisley Purpose since it started (huhu thank you very much for doing so), then you know I’m undergoing psychological counselling. And now, I’m glad to let you know that I’m thriving. 🙂
So, what have I been up to?
While I’m able to function well, unhealthy thinking patterns robbed the joy off of many great experiences. Instead of adopting a loving attitude towards being the sister of the bride during my sister’s wedding preps, I found myself dreading the experience and being annoyed at how much work I had to do. Instead of developing my ideas and suggesting them to people who could have found them useful, I kept my marketing plans to myself, for fear that they will be rejected. You get the picture.
Not only did the mentality keep me from enjoying; it kept me from doing things at all. So now, as I’m on my way to healing, I find myself catching up with life. In between lengthy breaks and alone times, I kept my productivity.
Got me a freelance gig as social media manager at Yeongyang Hansik (yes, that Yeongyang Hansik! See? This blog got me a job!), making graphics and captions to promote the place.
Began doing song covers, which I have yet to record and share. Haha. Because it turns out that I surprised everyone by singing at my sister’s wedding. Who knows? Maybe in a few years’ time, I may even have a career as a professional wedding singer. Lol. Ayan o, feel na feel ko na.
Finished watching Goblin, the Korean series. Yes, nagpapalamon na rin ako sa sistema.
Downloaded the Uber app, and got a ride through it. You know, I was going to download Tinder but phone memory was scarce, and said phone died on me a few days after I planned to install the app. So yeah, it wasn’t meant to be.
Attended a singles conference with my best friend. I got invited to the event the day after I tried and failed to install Tinder on my phone HAHAHA. What are the odds?
And said singles conference has paved the way for what could be the biggest turning point in this journey so far: it got me to my knees.
I wasn’t emotionally ready to attend that conference because it centers on two things that hit dangerously close to home: God and singleness. I was still calling to God, but I refused to listen and trust Him. Those are the last things I’d like to do. So I made sure to talk to the psychiatrist about it before I spend an entire day listening to the pastors.
Me: I got invited to a singles conference organized by this huge church, and I am not ready for it. More than having to meet new people, I dread having to face God’s presence. It’s a lot like meeting my ex after a very long time. I’m not sure I want to reconnect.
P: What kind of God are you praying to?
M: A personal one.
P: What is this God like?
M: Can’t say He’s fully good or bad.
P: Then what is He?
M: He is present.
P: And you’ve been through a lot together?
P: And you think that it’s reason enough to give this relationship another shot?
M: Yes. More than enough.
I spent around half an hour debating whether or not to have a long overdue quiet time with Him in my favorite part of the university: the adoration chapel. After grabbing a bite and a bottle of water, I went into the chapel, taking the silence in as my heavy chest ached, and my legs began feeling as though I spent hours on the treadmill. It was then that I realized how tired I was of running from the spiritual stirrings that I refused to trust. And as I sat before it, the exhaustion from withholding all my burdens from Him overcame me and held me in place. Then there I was, listening again for the first time in a long, long time. The heaviness didn’t disappear immediately, but peace came.
It wasn’t the kind of “peace” that came with a resolve to give up. It’s a peace that surrenders all heartache and opens itself to faith…in spite of fate. So dread for that Saturday event was replaced with newfound excitement, a willingness to abandon that mistrust’s offshoots, and a decision to rebuild those which it has damaged as a result thereof.
So much weight has been lifted since then. And as I respond to these new feelings, I find something that I’ve long been missing: the joy of living.
Things haven’t been a walk in the park, and in between the breaks and the productivity, were days when I’d rather stay in bed, sleep, and just lock myself up in a room. On particularly stressful days, I’d have the urge to get on long bus rides without definite destinations—just so I could disappear for a while. Or for good.
The invitation to that event doubled as an invitation to begin my spiritual healing in the form of a reconciliation with God. I remember watching “The Shack” movie, in which God (portrayed by Octavia Spencer), said, “The problem in your life is that you don’t believe I’m good.”
That resonated with me, and I realize that it’s the root of all trust issues I’ve ever had with anyone in my life, ever since I was young. We’ll get to that in another blog. To have been able to start clearing it up is a major step in my journey to mental, emotional, and spiritual healing.
And looking back at how everything unfolded the way it did and still does, God is good, and so is life, even in the midst of struggle. I haven’t said that with conviction in a long, long time, and now I did. Praise God.
Happy for Me
This is truly one of the biggest steps I have ever taken so far, and I know that thousands of small ones will follow to lead me to other milestones in my healing. There are still plenty of issues to contend with, and addressing the fundamentals will strengthen me to face up to them, and maybe even see that they’re not issues to begin with J
I’m happy for myself, and if you’re on a similar journey, I hope you reach happier times in your process as well.
So…this is pretty much what I’ve been up to as a lady in healing: keeping busy catching up with, enjoying, and rebuilding the good things in life, with a good God. Finally, I’m turning on a new leaf for real 🙂