Some years back, when I was running a prototype of what will eventually become Paisley Purpose, I wrote a letter to my future husband. Since then, I dated two guys and had two falling outs…had a paranormal encounter with someone who could possibly be my soulmate, a crush, and a few not-so-secret admirers in between.
Yet despite a pretty eventful emotional ride, I’m single. And to my surprise, amusement, and relief, I’m enjoying it. Still, I think of who he could be, and that old letter I wrote.
And I realized, if no one will receive it in this lifetime, it wouldn’t actually be as bad as my lovesick self believed it to be. Here’s a new letter.
Dear Future Husband,
You’re 38 today and though you aren’t my first love, I’m glad I watched Goblin and let you grow on me. I hope we meet soon and that you won’t mind the 14-year age gap. Happy birthday 😀
Your fan and bride,
In case he turns out to be Gong Yoo. 😉 Anyway, let’s get down to business here. Hello, Future Husband. I don’t know if you’ll ever get to me or if you’re born in this lifetime for me. If you are, then I’ll be glad to welcome you into my life. If not, then it’s okay.
Recently, I caught the bridal bouquet at my sister’s wedding, and it made me so excited to finally meet you. After many false alarms, headaches, and heartbreaks, however, I figure that I’m fine without you. Admittedly, I’m not exactly happy and I haven’t been in a long time. But I manage and even thrive. Despite the looming cloud of gloom that I can never entirely shake off, the table-for-one lunches, and the frustration that comes with not having met you yet, here I am. And I’m doing pretty good.
See, for years you were that one thing I’ve been waiting for. The idea of you was what made waking up, especially during my bad days, bearable. The pursuit of you pushed me to open myself up to others, take risks, and give beyond what I thought I could, despite having been taken for granted, and advantage of, many times over. I believed you were worth everything. I still believe you’re worth it, but maybe, not everything.
Because while love is the ultimate end, it doesn’t necessarily equate to having you or being yours. As much as I want for it to be you, I understand that you may not be the source of my ultimate. I also understand that you’re not the only source of it. In fact, I understand it so well, that I may have accepted it already and even begun preparing to be the source of it myself.
I’m someone who’s done so much by herself, and will be doing more in the future, for herself. When I was younger, I was afraid of being strong. Because then no one would save me. I was afraid of this…of being okay with being alone. Because then nobody would bother to be with me. I wasn’t strong nor brave back then, and those whom I thought will see me through and help me, didn’t. A few did and I thank them. I did, too. And I continue to, and for that I thank myself.
All these years waiting for you to come and love me, molded me to someone I’m proud of. Embattled and a bit embittered, yes. Hermit and sort of distant, yes. But brave and strong enough to love everything I am, the way I want to.
When I think about you and everything I would want you to be, I realize I’m thinking of someone who will love me the way I love. Fully and emphatically. Freely and intimately. When I’m by myself, I can laugh and cry as much as I want. Most of my best meals are table for one lunches, wherein I don’t have to worry about anyone calling me out for eating a burger. I can be upset about something and tell myself that I am, without judgment. I’m not one to say “I can’t/won’t do this for you, though I know you want this, because this isn’t how I am.” I want me to be happy, with or without you. With me, I can.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love to have you in my life. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times over because you aren’t here and there seems to be no sign of you. I’ve consoled myself again and again after each traumatizing relationship, convincing myself that I’m just a heartbreak away from finally finding you.
I think of how you may be doing in life and all those little details. Your eyes. Your hair. Your go-to OOTD. Your job. Your voice. Your favorite food. Your hugots. If you’re thinking of me too or if you’re distracted by the presence of a beautiful woman with whom you think you’re in love with. (She’s probably there with you and she’ll probably break your heart haha bitter). If you’re happy and if you could be happier with me.
I’m a writer and I can write me the perfect husband. But that would just be ideal and not real. And real is what I hope you would be.
What I hope you would be, may or may not actually be. And that’s fine with me. See I was going to say there’s a lot of love in store for you if and when you find me. That’s true. But see, if there’s already a lot of love in store for you even when I’m not yet in the picture, then that would be amazing.
Because then you’ll be a person who knows love, is loved, and loves, before I can even add to that. And if I’m not meant to, then it’s all good. I have me to add love upon and I don’t mind doing it forever.
I’m good where I am and that doesn’t make me look forward to meeting you any less. In case you never come through, I’m fine with an unfulfilled longing. And now I understand that you aren’t my ultimate end, and love is. Love may or may not come from, and with, you. If it doesn’t, then it’s not any less special. And I’m not any less capable or worthy of it. 🙂
If you come through, there’s love reserved for you, from someone who already understands what it is and accepts what it isn’t. Though for now it isn’t you, there’s enough of it to be for you. And me, of course.
I really wonder who you are, how you are, and what you’re up to. If you’re waiting for me, too, I hope you reach a point when you feel complete by yourself. Because then I’d know that we can truly be happy together, taking turns on being strong, mature, and occasionally spoiling each other.
I wish I could end this by saying let’s continue praying for each other. We should, but hopefully, we know better now. We can’t just sit around and talk to God about possibly meeting or not. We actually have to talk and get in touch and spend time getting to know one another. Ugh. I hope you aren’t as hermit as I am. So…let’s get out of our comfy seats, continue getting to know ourselves…by ourselves and with those who know and don’t know us.
In addition to praying for each other, let’s be interested in what this life has to offer. It sucks to be alone, I know. But it sucks more to be alone, without any interest in other aspects of life, other than getting out of that forever alone zone.
Let’s live and live and live and live…not in the hopes of ultimately being led to each other, but instead, being led towards a life that brings out the best in us.
Future husband, I mean it when I say I have enough love for us. I love me and so am creating a life in which I am genuinely myself. I love you and so am accepting that you’re free to show up or not. I don’t exactly need you…which sounds kind of mean but is actually great. It means I won’t choose to be with you out of need and if anything, I’ll choose you out of love.
I might go on blind dates to purposely bump into you. Fat chance, but why not, right? One of these days, I hope I do. And if not, there’s always Gong Yoo and reruns of Goblin and Big and other really good KDramas. Kidding aside, there’s always so much life to live and so much love to give and receive beyond you. And I can be happy with that.
I was actually afraid of writing something like this, because I might jinx myself and you really might never come to me. And everything I wrote here, I used to think of as hogwash. Upon reading this, I’m happy to be talking on a different tone and looking forward to you or whatever is, indeed, best for me.
I wish you all the best, dear. Till we meet.
PS Gong Yoo is still single. It might just be Yoo, so…he. He. He. Surprise me, ahjusshi. Saeng-il Chukkahamnida 😉